Everything is Alright

July 2nd, 2025

Last week, we were chatting at home and she asked me a hypothetical question: what would I do if I accidentally had a sip of alcohol? How would I feel? Would I consider it an end to my sobriety?

I told her a definition I made for myself a long time ago. To me, the end of my sobriety is only one event: the conscious decision to pick up a drink. If there was ever an accident, I would trust myself (and the hours and weeks and years I have spent with dear sober friends who have taught me how to live like this) to find my way back.

This afternoon, we spent some time in downtown Northfield, picking up cheap vinyl, watercolor supplies, and coffee from Goodbye, Blue Monday (it's exactly how I remember it from high school?!). After, we stopped by a local restaurant.

We ordered a couple of non-alcoholic drinks to start. We took a sip of our own, and then tried each other's. She thought something seemed off about mine.

I asked the server about it and, sure enough, mine was alcoholic. It was totally my fault; all of their non-alcoholic drinks share a name with their alcoholic counterpart, and I failed to specify which one.

My hypothetical suddenly came true. An accident had occured.

And, like I was so sure I would, I found my way back.

I took it seriously. I stopped acting until I had more information, and once received, I made different choices. It really was as simple as that. My entire existence today is based in the idea that I can change and make better decisions and you never really know, not truly, until you're tested.

This kind of situation can be a major setback for some people; I've seen it happen and I've heard the stories. But since I defined my own sobriety, in terms clear and certain and meaningful, I am able to use this as an opportunity to reflect, sigh in relief and, above all, be grateful.

I'm sharing this because sometimes I make this look really easy. I've been sober for almost eight years and there are many of you who don't even know the me I used to be, and this guy I am now, who is nice sometimes and has never drank, is the guy I always was.

But that isn't true. And I struggle. It's an alcohol-based world out there and dangers await around every turn; but there's also grace and love, especially the hardest kind of grace and love, which is the kind we give ourselves.

If you're struggling, I fucking see you. This shit is hard and nothing makes it easier except love, and I love you. You should love you, too.

I have to say, though, that the hardest realization of the day came a little later: our server never carded me.

And that is actually the thing that will keep me up at night.