trouble sleeping
March 7th, 2024
I know I've said this before, but I'm tired.
Mostly, I'm tired of pretending.
I like Joe Biden. I'm not in love with him. He's far from perfect. He's not my whole personality. In fact, he's not even part of it. I have a lot of my own bad ideas and big feelings and small words, thank you very much.
But I do like him. I got tears in my eyes watching the end of his speech tonight. Call me a sucker (go ahead, I am), but I do believe that we can build a brighter future, and I believe in the country we call home and the people who live on this planet and I, most of all, believe in hope.
And I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of pretending that any of this is politics as normal. I'm tired of pretending that the other guy is just another candidate. I'm tired of pretending that most people are informed and not being willfully ignorant when it comes to what is happening right now.
I wrote an essay earlier this year about how we have never had better access to information and have never been less informed; I am tired of people who cannot dig deeper than one inch past their biases.
I used to love the phrase "cognitive dissonance" and now I am sick of it; I am tired of pretending that half of our country is not a swarm that eats the insects both in its way and who try to get out.
I've been busy. Busy being an artist and busy being a human. Every time I've tried to write an essay, I found myself tired.
Today I am so tired that I couldn't do anything but write these words.
I try to be kind. I try to be plain and friendly, open and thoughtful. I keep myself engaged with the world; I remember that everyone and everything is connected, every word and action a ripple across space and time. I think universally, and do my best to act personally. I hope these words resonate with anyone who could read this paragraph in the first person.
I'm tired of pretending that our future is out of our hands.
It's not.
And I'm so tired of feeling like this that I have trouble sleeping at night.